Why Do Subs Sometimes Lean So Heavily on Their Partners?

Someone once asked me this:

"Why does every sub I meet seem to rely so heavily on me, especially with their mental health issues? Is it something I’m doing, and how can I make it stop?"

Her exact words:

I had a nice long conversation with her, so I thought of sharing the story; maybe it helps you too.

Well, being in the kink world can bring some unique relationship challenges, especially if you're someone who tends to date submissive partners (subs). One recurring issue that comes up is how subs might share a lot about their mental health struggles and rely heavily on their Doms for emotional support. Let's dive into why this happens, how to handle it without feeling overwhelmed, and explore different ways to support both yourself and your partner.

It's Not Your Fault!

First things first: you are not the problem! Your kindness, warmth, and affection naturally make people feel comfortable and cared for. This is a wonderful trait, but it can sometimes attract people who are looking for a bit more emotional support than you're ready to give, especially early on in a relationship.

Why Does This Happen?

Many subs may have had tough experiences in previous relationships, especially if they haven't been with an experienced Dom who knows how to set healthy boundaries. When they finally meet someone like you, who treats them well, they can feel a huge sense of relief and comfort. This might lead them to lean on you more heavily, especially if they have mental health struggles.

Also, in some places like Vancouver, Canada, mental health issues are becoming more common, so the chances of dating someone with these challenges are higher.

What Can You Do?

Here’s a simple approach you can try:

1. Set Clear Boundaries Early On

If a sub brings up their mental health issues, acknowledge it but try not to immediately offer yourself as their main support system. Instead, share some general tips or tools that might help them. For example, if they mention feeling anxious, you could say, “That sounds tough. Have you tried [a general coping mechanism]?” This keeps you from becoming their therapist while still showing empathy.

2. Don’t Be Afraid to Step Back

If they reach out to you in a moment of crisis, it’s okay to remind them of the tools you discussed and encourage them to use those. For example, if they text you saying, “I really need you right now,” you can reply, “Remember what we talked about? Try that, and we can chat tomorrow.” This helps them learn to manage their own emotions without becoming overly dependent on you.

The Practical Tools and Resources

Here are some tools and methods you can suggest to your sub:

• Breathing Exercises: Simple techniques like deep breathing or box breathing can help manage anxiety in the moment.
• Journaling: Encouraging them to write down their thoughts and feelings can provide an outlet for their emotions and help them process their experiences.
• Mindfulness Apps: Recommending apps like Headspace or Calm can guide them through mindfulness and meditation practices.
• Therapy: Gently suggesting that they consider speaking to a professional can be a supportive way to address deeper mental health issues.
• Support Groups: Pointing them toward community groups or online forums where they can connect with others facing similar challenges.

SUBBY Self-Reliance Is SO IMPORTANT

It’s important to empower your sub to take charge of their own mental health, as a rule, if you see this necessary. This can be done by:

• Encouraging them to set personal goals for their well-being.
• Suggesting they create a self-care routine that includes regular exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep.
• Helping them recognize their own strength and resilience, so they don’t feel entirely dependent on you.

It’s Okay to Say No

Remember, you’re not obligated to fix anyone’s problems. If someone is expecting you to handle their mental health for them, they might not be ready for a relationship. It’s perfectly fine to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being.

Other Methods to Consider

While giving tools is a great start, there are other ways to ensure a healthy dynamic:

• Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular times to talk about how both of you are feeling and how the relationship is going. This keeps communication open and prevents misunderstandings.
• Shared Activities: Engage in activities that promote bonding and mutual enjoyment, like hiking, cooking, or attending events together. This can strengthen your connection without focusing solely on mental health.
• Education: Both partners can benefit from learning more about mental health. Reading books or attending workshops can provide valuable insights and strategies.

Final Thoughts from Ben

Navigating relationships in the kink world can be tricky, especially when it comes to balancing emotional support with your own needs. Remember, it's okay to care for someone without taking on all their problems. By setting boundaries and encouraging your partners to take responsibility for their own mental health, you can build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Stay kind, but don’t forget to take care of yourself too!