When Consent Gets Ignored: How to Process a Scary Moment in Play

The Issue:

A pal raised this issue on Reddit: "I was at a rope jam with a play partner, and everything was going fine until he suddenly covered my mouth and nose, blocking my air. We had never agreed to breath play, and since I was fully restrained, I had no way to signal for him to stop. He didn’t seem to notice what was happening until I finally broke free and confronted him. He apologized and said he wasn’t paying attention, but now I feel shaken and unsure how to move forward. I trusted him, and this feels really out of character, but at the same time, I don’t know how to trust anyone right now."

The Solution

If you also have been in same situation, here is a great approach to that:

This is a really tough situation, and it makes total sense that you're feeling shaken. Even if it wasn’t on purpose, what happened still crossed a big line.

1. Your Feelings Are 100% Valid

You were in a situation where you couldn’t consent. That’s scary, and it makes sense that you're questioning trust. Even though he apologized, that doesn't erase what happened.

2. Figure Out What You Need Right Now

Take a second to think about what would make you feel safe again. Do you need space from him? Do you need clearer safety rules in the future? Do you want to talk to him more about what happened, or do you feel like you've said enough?

3. Talk to Him Again if You Want To

It sounds like he regrets it, which is good. But regret isn’t enough. If you want to talk more, here are some things to ask him.

• What was going through his head in that moment?
• How will he make sure it never happens again?
• Does he fully understand why this shook you so much?

If you don’t feel like talking to him again, that’s okay too. Your safety and feelings matter more than keeping the peace.

4. Can You Trust Him Again?

You don’t have to give him another chance. If you feel like you can't trust him anymore, it’s okay to stop playing with him. If you do want to move forward, you could try a few things to prevent this from happening again.

• Be super clear on boundaries, even ones that seem obvious.
• Set up a way to signal "stop" without speaking.
• Do quick check-ins before and after play.

5. How to Trust Others Again

It's normal for this to shake your trust in others too, not just him. Take your time. If you need a break from play for a while, that’s totally fine. If you want to be extra careful with new partners, that’s fine too.

Most Important Thing is Being Safe

You're handling this in a really thoughtful way. The most important thing is that you feel safe and respected. Whatever you decide, make sure it feels right for you.