Be The Dominant Every Sub Craves: Tips for Building Respect and Connection

The decision to identify as a dominant (or Dom) in the context of BDSM can arise from a complex mix of personal desire, psychological factors, and experiences. It is often a conscious, empowered choice for those who find satisfaction in taking control or leading a dynamic in a consensual, structured way.

The Psychology Behind Choosing the Dominant Role in Kink

While each person's journey is unique, several factors typically contribute to someone deciding to embrace the role of a dominant:

1. Natural Inclination or Personality

Some individuals feel naturally inclined toward the dominant role due to their personality. They may have traits like confidence, assertiveness, and a desire to take charge in their interactions. These traits often make it feel more like a natural extension of their identity rather than a learned behavior.

• Psychological theories suggest that some people are naturally inclined toward certain power dynamics in their interpersonal relationships. A study on personality traits in BDSM suggests that dominants are often characterized by high levels of confidence and assertiveness, while submissives may display higher levels of agreeableness and empathyation of Control and Power** For others, the role of the dominant may arise from a desire to explore the dynamics of control and power. BDSM and kink offer a safe space to experiment with these dynamics in a consensual and structured environment. People who choose to be dominants may feel empowered by their ability to control the pace and direction of a scene, which can create a sense of satisfaction and personal fulfillment.
• For many, the ability to control and guide a partner within the boundaries of trust and consent is a deeply satisfying and even transformative experience. The dominant role allows for the expression of authority in a way that is safe, negotiated, and ultimately consensual.

3. Psychological and Emotional Satisfaction

Some people choose to become a dominant because the psychological satisfaction of controlling or leading in a BDSM context fulfills certain emotional or psychological needs. For example, it can be a way to explore aspects of personal identity, self-worth, or the desire for mastery and leadership.

• The emotional reward for many dominants comes not just from the act of controlling, but also from the deep sense of responsibility they feel for their partner's well-being. In this way, being a dominant is about more than just authority; it involves care, communication, and emotional connection .

4. Cultunces and Fantasies

Media, books, and movies often portray dominant-submissive dynamics in romanticized or exaggerated ways. This can influence an individual’s awareness of kink and the desire to participate in it. Someone might decide to become a dominant after seeing or reading about BDSM relationships that depict control as part of the attraction. This can lead to an exploration of kink that becomes central to their identity.

5. Personal Experience and Evolution

Many people develop a sense of dominance over time as they experiment with kink. Initial curiosity might lead them to explore different roles, and through trial and error, they may discover that they derive more satisfaction from being in control. This evolution often involves deep introspection and learning about one’s own boundaries, desires, and limits.

• Learning from experience is key to a successful dominant role. It is not simply about exerting power; it’s about understanding the emotional and physical aspects of your partner's needs, recognizing their limits, and creating an experience that is consensual, safe, and pleasurable for both parties .

6. A Desire for Cand Trust

Being a dominant is not solely about power. In fact, many dominants report that the most fulfilling aspect of their role is the trust and connection they share with their submissive. In order to lead, a dominant must build and maintain trust with their partner, and this trust forms the foundation of a successful BDSM relationship. The act of taking control is intertwined with the ability to nurture a healthy, respectful dynamic that prioritizes both partners' well-being.

7. Sexual and Non-Sexual Power Dynamics

It is important to note that the role of a dominant does not always have to be tied to sexual acts. In many cases, the power exchange is fulfilling even in non-sexual contexts, where the act of control or leadership can still provide immense satisfaction. This reinforces the idea that being a dominant is not simply about sexual activity, but about the connection and dynamics that emerge through the exchange of power.

In summary, deciding to embrace the role of a dominant is a combination of natural inclination, psychological satisfaction, and a desire to explore power dynamics in a consensual, structured, and trusting environment. The dominant role often becomes central to one’s identity because it allows for the exploration of control, care, responsibility, and deep emotional connection within the context of kink.

What makes you a good Dom?

A dominant in the context of BDSM is often defined not just by control, but by their ability to guide, direct, and provide structure in the relationship or scene. This role is rooted in understanding power dynamics, consent, and mutual respect. The dominant partner takes the lead and creates an environment in which both partners feel safe and respected, even though the dynamics involve power exchange.

Several qualities often define what makes a dominant partner:

1. Confidence and Control: Dominants tend to have a strong sense of self-assuredness and a clear understanding of their boundaries and desires. This confidence allows them to take charge and maintain control within the dynamic without crossing boundaries or undermining the sub's comfort.
2. Empathy and Communication: A good dominant listens to their partner’s needs, desires, and limits. They communicate openly and check in with their submissive to ensure that the power exchange is consensual and enjoyable for both. This communication creates trust, which is crucial in maintaining a healthy power dynamic.
3. Respect for Boundaries: Even though the dominant takes control, they do so with a deep respect for the submissive’s limits and boundaries. This is where consent plays a pivotal role, ensuring that both parties have an understanding of what is safe, acceptable, and pleasurable.
4. Authority and Leadership: Dominants are typically characterized by their ability to lead the scene or relationship with authority. However, their authority is not about domineering or coercing; rather, it’s about being in charge in a way that creates trust and safety for both participants.
5. Patience and Awareness: Dominants also need to be attuned to their partner’s physical and emotional responses. They must read subtle cues and be aware of the mood or dynamics of the situation. This attentiveness allows them to guide the experience in a way that’s enjoyable for both parties.
6. Aftercare: A dominant is often responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of their submissive after a scene. This includes providing aftercare—a practice that can involve comfort, reassurance, and care to help the sub return to a balanced state after intense physical or emotional experiences.

In short, a dominant is not defined merely by the power they hold, but by the responsibility they take for the safety, well-being, and pleasure of both themselves and their submissive partner. It's a balance of authority, care, and respect.

Hit hard, but don't yell (Consensual)!

In BDSM, the concept I'm referring to is about maintaining a balance of power and control during a scene, where the dominant partner focuses on executing physical actions (such as impact play) in a way that aligns with the submissive partner’s desires and limits, without crossing boundaries or engaging in behavior that could break the connection of trust.

The advice not to yell while hitting hard comes from the principle of professionalism and respect. Yelling can introduce an emotional, potentially destabilizing element to a scene, which could create discomfort or confusion for the submissive.

Especially, and unfortunately, in today’s often chaotic society, where the use of a loud voice is often associated with releasing anger, venting rage, and even showing a slight weakness, I strongly advise against using loud voice as a dominant.

Instead, the dominant is encouraged to maintain a calm, controlled demeanor that matches the intensity of the physical actions. The “hitting hard” aspect is carefully tailored to the sub’s pleasure, but the dominant’s tone should be steady, measured, and respectful.

This approach ensures that the interaction remains consensual and enjoyable for both parties, maintaining emotional safety and avoiding any coercion or overstep. It also helps reinforce the idea that the dominant partner is there to guide, control, and hold space, rather than to dominate through emotional outbursts, which might feel more destabilizing or unsafe.

In short: Hitting hard is fine, but yelling detracts from the professionalism of the experience, as it can introduce elements of fear or aggression that are not consensually agreed upon in a well-negotiated BDSM scene.

Sometimes, a certain look makes more fear than anything!

Sometimes, a look can be more powerful than words.

A glance or a shift in expression can communicate authority, dominance, or disapproval in a way that speaks directly to our emotions.

This is especially true in BDSM or power dynamics, where a dominant partner might use a single look to show control or expectation. It’s often more effective than shouting or commanding, because it taps into the recipient’s vulnerability and awareness of the situation.

"Non-verbal cues, like a stern gaze, can trigger fear, anticipation, or respect."

A well-timed look can make someone feel the weight of authority without needing a word. It’s a way of asserting control and creating tension, making the situation feel more intense, all through body language.

Use dominating gestures!

In BDSM dynamics, non-verbal gestures are powerful tools used by dominant (dom) partners to communicate control, intention, and direction without the need for verbal commands. These gestures can enhance the intensity of the experience and further establish the power dynamic between the dom and the submissive (sub). Here are a few common gestures and their meanings:

1. Double Tap with a Cane or Toy: A subtle but clear signal, often used to prompt a sub to position themselves in a certain way, such as holding up their legs, spreading them, or maintaining a specific posture. The rhythm and pressure of the tap can indicate urgency or expectation.
2. Single Tap with a Cane or Toy: A single tap is often used to communicate a momentary pause or permission to return to a comfortable position.
   For example, if a sub is holding their leg up to receive strokes, a single tap signals that the action has ended or that the dom is giving the sub a brief rest before continuing. This can also indicate that a change in posture is allowed or necessary, allowing the sub to adjust and regain comfort without breaking the flow of the scene.
3. Hair Pulling: Gently pulling a sub's hair can be used to guide them into a certain position, often making them look up or bringing their head back. It's a way to assert control over their physicality without verbal communication.
4. Tapping or Lightly Slapping the Thigh or Ass: A light tap or slap can be used to indicate that the sub should move or reposition. For example, tapping the thigh could signal them to open their legs wider or shift positions.
5. Hand on the Back or Neck: Placing a hand on a sub’s back or neck is a grounding gesture. It can be a sign of reassurance, dominance, or guiding them through a movement or posture. It's also an intimate gesture, subtly asserting control over their body.
6. Pointing or Directing with a Finger: A simple point can be a commanding gesture, often used to instruct a sub where to look, what position to take, or where to move. This can be very effective when the dom wants to maintain their authority without needing to speak.
7. Finger Under the Chin or Lip: A gentle but firm touch to the chin or lower lip can prompt the sub to look up or focus on the dom’s face, intensifying the connection. It’s a way to establish a clear direction and control over where the sub's attention is focused.
8. Clenching or Unclenching A Body Part: A subtle gesture like this can communicate frustration, expectation, or even satisfaction. It can serve as a cue for the sub to understand the dom's emotional state or desire for compliance.
9. Body Language Posture: A change in the dom’s own posture can also convey meaning. Standing taller or leaning in closer can communicate dominance or intensity, while a relaxed stance may signal calmness or the end of a particular action.

These gestures create a dynamic where power is communicated through subtle actions, increasing the intensity of the experience without the need for words. They help maintain the flow of control and ensure that both partners understand each other's needs and boundaries without constantly needing verbal interaction.

Common BDSM Cues and Their Meanings

Many actions or commands from the dominant (dom) partner are understood by the submissive (sub) as cues that something specific is coming next. These cues help set the tone and ensure that the sub is prepared for what comes next.

Here are some common examples of phrases or actions and their meaning:

1. "Show me your palms": This is a common cue that suggests the dom intends to administer strokes or light hits to the palms. It's often used as a prelude to spanking or striking, and the sub typically knows that their hands will be targeted.
2. "Show me your soles": Similar to the "palms" command, this indicates that the dom is preparing to use an implement, like a cane or flogger, to strike the bottoms of the feet (bastinado). The sub is expected to present their soles in preparation.
3. "Take your glasses off": This action often signifies that a slap or a sharp physical action is coming, such as a face slap. It's a gesture that prepares the sub for a physical action that might involve the face or head.
4. "Hold your hair back": This often signals that a slap or ear pulling might be coming, particularly one that could need the hair on in the way. By holding their hair back, the sub is providing access to their face or neck area, preparing them for the next move.
5. "Get on your knees": This is a common command in a BDSM context, often signaling the sub to assume a vulnerable or submissive position. It may indicate that a scene of worship, discipline, or service is about to begin.
6. "Eyes down" or "Look at the floor": This instructs the sub to look away or lower their gaze, signaling submission or that the dom is preparing to issue a command or strike. It's a clear indication of control and dominance.
7. "Take a deep breath": Before administering a stroke, whipping, or any intense physical play, a dom might say this to give the sub time to prepare mentally and physically for what's to come.
8. "Place your hands above your head": This often indicates that a punishment or spanking might follow, and the sub is expected to present themselves in a way that is both compliant and ready for the action.
9. "Open your mouth": This cue could signal that the dom is about to give a verbal command, such as making the sub speak or engage in a form of verbal humiliation or chastity play, depending on the scene.
10. "Bend over": A commonly used phrase that generally signals that the dom intends to deliver a spanking, flogging, or other forms of impact play to the sub’s backside.
11. "Hands behind your back": Often used when the sub is expected to present themselves in a position of vulnerability and be prepared for some form of restraint or impact play.